I had a completely different plan for today’s post which was much more zen and Guru like. But if there is anything I pride myself on is realness, and I probably would have fluffed the post if I stuck to my guns just put it out, and we are not about that life over here. This week’s post is sponsored by my anger, an emotion I have never been given permission to express so doesn’t have the best reputation.

Being a massive advocate of finding your centre, I understand it isn’t about emotions flowing in extremes but achieving balance. however, I am a bigger believer in the truth. Amd truth is, we have been socialised to assume that anger is a luxury we cannot afford. If you are a black woman it is even more heavily weaponised as it comes across as  a threat, instead of a reasonable response.

Angry for a Reason

I often blame my caribbean heritage, or the East London girl culture. But the passion burning inside of me is often fueled by rage. When you are you are always the person with the plan, the person who “thugs it out”, and the person who keeps the wheels turning. You are often denied the right to be human and respond appropriately when these actions are not reciprocated.

Expressing anger is rarely seen as a valid reaction to injustice or hurt. Instead, it is immediately turned against us. The minute we raise our voice, or even just set a firm boundary with a “tone”, all the actions behind the incident are forgotten and the reaction is them focal point. As a result we end up swallowing whatever we are feeling. We turn that fire inward and become masters of “calculated calm”.

The Cost of Humility

As I have said before energy is reciprocal and also indestructible. Anger that has nowhere to go doesn’t disappear, it finds a new home often manifesting in the body. For many of us, the cost of not truly expressing ourselves shows up in ways we don’t recognise;

• Physical Fatigue: The heaviness in your chest isn’t just stress related, it is the weight of unsaid words
• The Help Barrier: When you close the door on seeking help because of past disappointment, this is often anger disguised as independence
• Emotional Numbness: When you mute your negative emotions you are also silencing your joy. It is impossible to selectively numb your heart

It can be easy to feel this emotion and misuse it’s energy. When we look at it from a logical perspective your anger is information. This very intelligent emotion is making you aware that somewhere you have forgotten to make yourself a priority, where you were disrespected, or where you have been giving way more than you have been receiving.

For those like me who had no choice but to grow up independent, your default is probably composure as a mode of protection. But keeping that shield up 24/7 is a very lonely way to live. So to anyone who has been holding it down, keeping a smile on your face while your soul is screaming: You have a right to be mad. It is okay to feel the sting of being let down. You are allowed to release composure in rooms that don’t respect your humanity.

Reality is you should never have to apologise for veing yourself. Anger is a valid emotion not a character flaw. Don’t burn bridges everytime a boundary is crossed, feel the sting of being let down and let em have it…. respectfully 😅

I have come to the conclusion that I am way too humble. Last born and one of the babies amongst cousinship I never had the spirit of courageousness. For anybody who is a part of my private life, you may be confused. As a self professed loudmouth, you never see me coming. You hear me. But if you know me personally you know I am better at lifting people up than believing in my abilities to do whatever I put my mind to.

As I recently got lost in one of my deep reflective moments. I was thinking about all the Joe’s and Josephine Bloggs, who have had no formal training in a trade or specific skill. Yet have had the audacity and passion to dare to try something new and have excelled at it. I have a long list of things I would like to do or experience in my life, but if I am being honest with myself I probably will only try 25% of those things. Mainly due to fear. But, partly because how do the young people of today say it “my heart don’t beat like that”. Basically I am way too cautious. And although this has kept me safe over the years, what is a life without some positive risk taking?

This has shown me that it is about time I learned the spirit of audacity. The Britannica dictionary defines audacity as “a confident and daring quality that is often seen as shocking or rude”. If you ask me being audacious gets a bad rep. It is often viewed negatively as reckless. Rather, it should be seen as adventurous enough to do the things others are too frightened to see through.

As I come to the close of Mel Robbins popular book “Let Them”, I was personally motivated by a section in the book. It is actually about not letting others take advantage of you. She writes that a lot of people believe they are an exception to the rule. They constantly think that whatever risky thing they are going to do will work out in their favour. Although it seems extremely main character syndromish, there is something special about having this notion be a guiding principle. So what that your mother didn’t make it as a dancer. No your father wasn’t able to become an entrepreneur. But why does that mean you can’t conquer and defeat the odds?

As powerful as I have always known myself to be I realised I am not someone who who can see a 50/50 situation and go at it as if it will 100% pull through . What has always pumped the breaks for me is what I like to name as my strong spiritual connection. This has always made me think that the universe will choose me to make an example out of. For example, I remember as a teen. Everyone was lying to their parents about where they were going on weekends. I always thought that if I lied about my whereabouts, I would get caught up in a crazy bank heist. It would get broadcast on the news. My mum would find out I lied. I would still be grounded today. This could probably happen. But in hindsight I never went to any banks back then because I was a brokey.

I am in love with having a spirit of audacity as it goes beyond being brave. Often worn as the guise of “fake it till you make it” but it is much deeper than that. You truly have to believe that the only option is for you to make it, that betting it all on black is going to give you the winning result. Those who were gifted with an audacious soul don’t harbor that ever growing seed of doubt. If doubt does attempt to root itself through the discouraging ideas of the outside world, it is quickly cut down. Their internal compass is set persistently on success as an absolute certainty, not merely as hope. Audacity is the conviction that your vision is already realised. This confidence leads them to demand nothing less than the extraordinary both from the world and the world around them.

When we think about it life really is just a series of choices. There really is no wrong or right because each decision brings you to a level of understanding that never existed. We get so caught up in doing the right thing, that we forget that in order to truly learn we have to try something out without knowing what the outcome might be.

I don’t believe that there is ever one way to see the world. Not everything needs to be the logical decision. Refusing to be confined by one conventional way of understanding empowers us. It grants us the ability to trust our own instincts. We can trust opportunity where others only see risk. This is what gives people the determination to take calculated risks. With self awareness to guide it. This mindset becomes a powerful force. It clears obstacles and builds success from nothing. This proves that a unique and tenacious vision is more valuable than rigid compliance to the known.

What can you do today that would take one step closer to claiming the spirit of audacity?

I am not just about to leave my job, but disconnecting from everything related to the “career girl” I was raised to be. Shedding the identity that was meticulously crafted by society, expectations, and if I’m being truly honest with myself my own relentless drive for external validation. Stepping, no perhaps free falling into the vast labelled entity of the universe. And for the first time in my life I have no elevator pitch in a bid to reconnect with the life I constantly dream of.

I have written about this a few times, and if you have been reading the blog for a while you will know this decision has not been taken lightly. This has been a heavy, multi year deep dive of my core values, a constant tug of war between the life that didn’t fit my soul, and the path to happiness that has been the subject of countless journals and many tearful conversations.

What I am saying is that sometimes in order to reconnect with your purpose, you must disconnect from everything you believed would get you there. Step back from the quote on quote stable life and re-embrace the simple joys of living. When we took time to converse face to face with the ones we love.The problem with this is that it doesn’t equal solidity. However, safe doesn’t always equal happiness, but most importantly disconnects you from the best parts of the world. Have you ever been sitting on a train going home from work mindlessly scrolling on social media and even the funniest video doesn’t brighten your soul? or randomly had a conversation with a stranger that affirms something you have been too scared to admit?

A couple of weeks ago I almost slipped into western sensibility when speaking with a colleague about my next steps or lack there of. I walked away from that conversation feeling the gravitational pull of the “what’s next?” question, the pressure to reignite the five year plan or at least a concrete, respectable side hustle. In that conversation I almost believed I was making a mistake. I heard myself thinking that maybe, just maybe, I should swallow my pride, ask for my job back and settle for the safe predictable discomfort of my old life. (FYI: This is reason 2,567 as to why you keep your biggest, scariest, most sacred plans to yourself until they are irreversible). The panic was palpable because it was a feeling entirely foreign to me. All my previous departures from a job was always a move up. A lateral step for more money, a vertical leap for a better title, or a strategic pivot for higher career opportunity. Not only was it calculable but always an achievement I could neatly package and present to the world.

This time, the move is for me. It’s for my sanity. My health. My wellbeing. It is purely an act of preservation. And at times, the voice of the old “career girl”has been loud and insistent, screaming that something as simple as wellbeing is not a good enough reason to abandon a secure life. It is an ongoing process to truly believe that my souls peace is the only currency that matters.

I like to say that meeting my fiancè was the moment I realised my life needed to change. He created a soft landing spot, a safe harbour where I could finally drop the façade of being “fine” and truly address my chronic unhappiness. But if I am being completely honest I knew I was on the wrong path at the tender age of 19 when I was in University and wanted to move to America to start a completely new life. While I am glad that dramatic, ill conceived plan didn’t happen, the impulse behind it was real. I have been craving disconnection partly because I wanted to runaway from the mounting relentless pace of the western world. But mostly because I felt like I was starting to lose myself entirely. The person I saw in the mirror every morning was stressed out. My inner world had become so neglected that I was starting to feel like a stranger in my own skin.

As I have started to move away from the stereotypical concepts of tiring myself out in the rat race, I have found that prioritising quality connection has a more profound affect on accessing the lifestyle one strives to meet. Switch staying at the office late with catching up with friends, pick up a new hobby, join that running club sitting in your Instagram saved posts. Hell, do anything but veg out in front of the tv watching that Netflix rom com hoping your life was as exciting and chaotic as theirs.

No matter how loud the court of public opinion may sound you have got the make the choice that you believe is best for you, sometimes that means stepping away from all you have built to attain the lifestyle that feeds your soul.

Ps. All credit for the inspiration behind this post goes to @uniquebestt whose painting is the feature image

I was speaking with my therapist recently and as I recounted the events over the last week, the topic of discussion landed on a recurring theme in my life. A quiet unshakeable sense of knowing that has always been with me, the fact that I have always been able to sense what the right thing to do long before logic can catch up, as if it is a superpower I could never quite name. She asked me if I knew what that was and I answered Discernment feeling both foreign and familiar.

The Weight of a Word

The Oxford dictionary describes Discernment as “the ability to show good judgement about somebody or something”. a simple enough phrase. However, for me has always felt so loaded It was a common theme in my days in the church held up as a spiritual gift I was convinced I wasn’t good enough to achieve. Ironically, in the real world it was one quality everyone seemed to assume I possess.

This conflict has defied much of my life. I have not always leaned into my discerning spirit. For years, I was haunted by the feeling that I didn’t fit in anywhere. That deep rooted fear led to some extremely cringeworthy memories where adopted behaviours so alien to my character, all in a desperate attempt not necessarily to be praised by the crowd I was with but to evade the discomfort of being the odd one out. Each time it felt like I was going against the grain of my soul, and ultimately becoming someone I didn’t like nor recognise.

Reframing a Worn Out Label

I’ve always hated being labelled as “sensitive”. In a world that rewards stoicism, the first word that comes to mind is weak and that is a term I have never wanted to be branded with. But as I have grown I’ve realised my sensitivity isn’t about softness or easily hurt feelings. It’s an ability that allows me to sense the subtle shifts in a room that nobody else notices. And why words left unsaid often sound like a blaring alarm in my mind.

Most importantly, it’s the intuitive gut level pull I feel when a situation is profoundly right or wrong for me way before my brain can produce a tidy list of pro’s and con’s. Like a silent guardian that works even when I try to ignore it, saving me from making some truly catastrophic decisions.

The Compass and the Courage

For those who follow personality frameworks, in the terms of Meyer Briggs I am an ENFJ. The J stands for judging, and I tried to denounce this part of me as the humanistic side of me wanted to denounce having a judgemental spirit. But this is not about being judgemental of others, it means a primary way of navigating the world by feeling situations out. Call it an internal compass used to find your way.

The problem was never a lack of direction from the compass itself, the gut feeling has always been clear and present. The issue was having the courage to follow it.

When you think about it we all have a discerning nature however the difference is whether we are trusting it that it can make wise decisions for us. Having a finely tuned instrument is only half the story. Discernment isn’t just about sensing the information our traditional senses miss. True discernment is what we choose to do with it. That feeling in the pit of your stomach is not something to ignore, trusting that inner knowledge no one else understands can take you that step closer to what you dream of, or save you from making a choice that could have a steep cost.

When you rarely hear a differing narrative it is easy to assume that what you are feeling isn’t right. Sometimes that answer you have been seeking is deep within you.

I have just come back from a trip to see my fiancé, (saying that never gets old) and I have never felt more at ease. Upon reaching the final week, which I decided to use the remaining time for some greatly needed reflection, I found myself doubting everything I thought I knew about life.

I tried to pin down the source of this incredible feeling. My initial thoughts were:

1. Being reunited with your partner will always add that extra love you have desperately needed.
2. Holidays are always great because it’s always great to get away from the mundane routine that working and living provide.
3. The sun is a massive motivator for us all.

I am not sure what it was, but all these conclusions were not satisfying the euphoric experience I was having, until I reached one. I was having fun.

Now, you will all stop at this point thinking “but I hope you would be having fun if you paid for a vacation”. And you are right. There is only one holiday I have been on that was a complete disaster, and it was the experience that got me into travelling solo. But this was very different.

Usually when I go back home to see my man, it is centered around us just being in each other’s company, sprinkled with some fun activities here and there. However, on this occasion we travelled across the island and pretty much said yes to every opportunity presented to us, even if we were utterly exhausted. I even had a last minute scramble on my final day, rushing to the airport to squeeze out every possible moment of fun before a late flight.

If you know me well, you know I am an extremely safe and consistent person. Although it has been a great part of getting me to where I am today, I lost some vital parts of my character which are essential to pushing me further in life. Growing up, one of my family nicknames was Peter Pan. For those who missed the original story, or the Disney adaptation, Peter is a fictional character who was once a normal child and ran away to Neverland in a bid to avoid growing old and dying. He encourages kids from the real world to join him on his quests to defeat his pirate nemesis and play with him forever. As a child I resonated with Peter, not because I wanted to live forever, but because I knew that childhood was the ultimate experience of fun.

Somewhere along the way, I forgot about Peter. I traded Neverland for a meticulously planned calendar. I swapped adventure for security and spontaneity for stability. This trip was different because for the first time in a long time, I let that inner child lead. I said yes not just to activities, but to a feeling. I agreed to being silly, to staying out late, and to embracing the glorious unknown.

Unfortunately, this happens to so many of us. We graduate, get jobs, pay bills, and slowly but surely, build a life that is very sensible and incredibly safe. Convincing ourselves that this is maturity. We believe that being a responsible adult means putting playfulness in a box and storing it in the attic.

But fun is not the opposite of responsibility. Joy is not the enemy of progress. That spark, that Peter Pan spirit, is not something to outgrow. It is the very thing that fuels our creativity, resilience, and passion. It is the vital part of our character that pushes us further.

So, my advice is this. Do not let adulthood ruin your life. Do not let its routines and expectations dull your shine. Say yes to that random coffee invitation. Take a different route home from work. Put on music and dance in your kitchen. Find your Neverland, even if it is just for a moment each day.

Because growing up is mandatory, but growing old, in spirit, is entirely optional.

For a long time, I struggled with my identity. I’ve always been that extremely happy girl dreaming of sunshine and daisies, but the world hasn’t always reflected that back to me. Scratch that, most times my happy-go-lucky mixed with the “tell it as we see it” vibe has only been flavor of the month when it agrees with another’s rhetoric.

I’m that girl everyone wants on their defense team, the one who’ll stand up for what’s right, offer a listening ear, and bring a much-needed dose of optimism. But when it’s their turn to do the listening, to offer the same understanding or support, everything changes. The energy I freely give often isn’t reciprocated, and I’m left feeling drained and, frankly, a little used. It’s got me thinking: it’s about time I started putting a cost on my energy.

Now, I’m not talking about charging my friends for a coffee catch up, or sending an invoice for a heart-to-heart. This isn’t about monetary value. It’s about recognising the immense value of my emotional, mental, and physical energy and protecting it fiercely.
For years, I believed that being constantly available, relentlessly positive, and always ready to jump in was just “who I am.” And while those are indeed parts of me I cherish, I’ve realised there’s a fine line between generosity and self-neglect. When your unique brand of sunshine is only appreciated when it aligns with someone else’s agenda, it’s not genuine appreciation; it’s convenience.
So, i guess you’re asking, what does it mean to “put a cost” on one’s energy?

Setting Boundaries, Not Building Walls

It’s important to set clear boundaries. This isn’t about building walls around myself, but rather creating healthy barriers that protect my peace. It means saying no when my plate is full, even if it means disappointing someone. It means declining invitations that don’t genuinely excite me, opting for quiet evenings that replenish my spirit instead.

Valuing My Voice (Even When It’s Unpopular)

I am starting to recognise that my “tell it as we see it” nature is a strength, not a flaw. I’ve often toned down my honest opinions or unique perspectives to avoid rocking the boat, especially when I sensed they might not be popular. But my voice, my authentic self, is valuable precisely because it’s mine. If someone only wants to hear what agrees with them, then perhaps they’re not truly interested in a genuine connection.

Investing in Reciprocal Relationships

Nowadays I focus on relationships where the energy flows both ways. Where listening is a two-way street, where support is freely offered and received, and where my happiness isn’t contingent on someone else’s approval. These are the relationships that nourish me, rather than deplete me.

The Price of Authenticity

Ultimately, putting a “cost” on my energy is about choosing authenticity over popular appeal. It’s about understanding that my happy-go-lucky, keep it extremely real vibe is a gift, and like any valuable gift, it deserves to be treated with respect. If that means some people find my “flavour” less appealing when it doesn’t serve their immediate needs, then so be it. The price of dimming my own light to fit into someone else’s narrative is far too high for me to gamble with.

This journey of redefining my worth and valuing my energy is ongoing. It’s not always easy, and there are still moments when I slip back into old habits. But with every boundary set, every authentic conversation had, and every moment of self-care prioritised. I’m reminding myself that my vibe, and ultimately the core essence of me isn’t something to be taken for granted. It’s a precious resource, and it’s time I started treating it that way. I now understand that energy is equal to a financial commodity so start charging people, plus tax.

How do you protect your energy in a world that often demands so much of it? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments below!

Alright, fellow navigators of this chaotic sphere we call life! If you’re a seasoned veteran of “Diary of a Lost Soul,” you’ll know that my unscheduled disappearing acts usually mean my personal world is in a severe tailspin, moving faster than a toddler midway through a sugar rush. And as I searched for success using the big guns like therapy, attempting to remember what “rest” feels like, and actually doing things I enjoy were all in play, this week’s grand return to the land of the living (and writing) can be attributed to something gloriously, almost ridiculously, small: I bought a new bag.

Now, hold on, I can practically feel you squinting at your screens. “A bag?” you’re collectively muttering, “That’s it? That’s the secret sauce to emerging from a self-imposed writer’s exile?” Hear me out, because this isn’t just any bag; it’s a beacon of hope in a sea of… well, stuff.

You see, not only do I brave the daily gladiatorial combat that is commuting, but my gut has recently decided that the general stress of gestures vaguely at everything is simply too much. This has led to me being chained to my kitchen, portioning out every morsel like a prize fighter in training camp. The result? My trusty work bag started to resemble a small, overstuffed pack animal, each day adding another kilo of physical discomfort to my already simmering pot of mental angst. It’s a vicious cycle, isn’t it? Your brain feels like a scrambled egg, so your body decides to join the party.

Enter: The New Bag. Medium-sized, blessed with an almost magical number of compartments, it has swallowed everything I need and, more importantly, significantly lightened the load on my weary back. And just like that, a tiny shift, a seemingly insignificant purchase, was the spark that reignited my desire to produce content like the creative princess I was born to be. Outside of finding the perfect accessory, it reminded me that when everything feels overwhelming, solving a small, tangible problem can alter the way you see your current situation. It doesn’t have to be world-changing; it just has to make your world a tiny bit better. Fixing that wobbly chair, clearing off your desk, or, yes, finding a bag that doesn’t break your back – these little acts of agency can create surprising life ripple effects.

What I’m trying to get at, in my slightly roundabout, bag-obsessed way, is that sometimes when we stumble, miss a deadline, or completely faceplant on a goal, we convince ourselves that a monumental effort is required to get back up. We think we need to move mountains, reinvent the wheel, or at the very least, finally sort out that one kitchen drawer.

But more often than not, it’s those little victories, those seemingly inconsequential milestones, that gently nudge us back onto the right path. So, my advice? Actively hunt for these micro-wins. Did you actually drink enough water today? High-five yourself! Did you manage to get out of bed when the duvet monster had you in its comfy clutches? That’s a gold star! Break down your bigger, scarier goals into laughably small steps. Instead of “write a novel,” maybe it’s “write one sentence I don’t hate.” Or even just “open the laptop.” The key is to create opportunities to feel that little zing of accomplishment.

It’s the perfectly brewed cup of tea, the unexpected compliment, the five minutes of sunshine on your face, or yes, or if you’re anything like me the profound satisfaction of a well-organised, lighter handbag. These are the tiny seeds of growth, the whispers of encouragement that tell us we can, in fact, keep going. As easy as it is to say it is important to acknowledge them! Don’t just brush past these moments. Take a second to consciously appreciate that small good thing. Maybe even jot it down. It sounds cheesy, but a “tiny wins” list can be surprisingly powerful when you’re feeling deep in a rut.

So, next time you feel like your life resembles herding cats, remember the humble utility bag that brought me back to ya’ll. Look for your own small win. Actively seek out those little levers that can shift your perspective, lighten your load (literally or figuratively), and boost your spirits. It might just be the surprisingly delightful thing that helps you find your footing and take that next, crucial step. Keep growing, one tiny, brilliant success at a time. You’ve got this.

P.s. Thank you Noirvere for the delightful purchase that got me back on track!

I recently realised something: all along, I’ve been the barrier to my own success. If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you’ll know this is my worst nightmare. I would rather do an “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!” Bush Tucker Trial than stop the train toward my progression. It’s funny because, in my mind, failing has always been this extreme experience, such as not taking a promotion because it moved me somewhere far away from my community. Or refusing to learn something I knew would take me to the next plateau because I didn’t think I was good enough to achieve it. But I’ve found that it lies in something much more incremental: my thoughts.

The Power of Belief & Consistency of Thoughts

I’m learning that there’s a relationship between the consistency of my thoughts and my internal belief systems. If I believe that something is unable to catapult me toward my idea of success, it has to go. As much as I’m proud of my go-getter spirit, it often makes me wonder if some of what we call hobbies could be extreme money-making talents we didn’t see value in.

Being a child growing up in inner-city London, where an idle mind is a slave to the streets, I spent a lot of my free time in activities. I did gymnastics, dance, drama, creative writing—the list is endless. However, over time, I stopped doing them. If it wasn’t to focus on education, it was because they were considered things to do to occupy time and wouldn’t give me the life outcome I needed to be the high-flying success I was ordained to be. When I think back to that, it’s nonsense because I had no clue where I would end up. So, making any hard decisions about what would benefit or deter me from that dream had very little basis.

My partner always says, “To achieve something, you have to be crazy about your craft,” and honestly, I brushed that off for a while due to it being social media meme’d out to capacity. But also because, when you look deeper into the quote, it means more than what meets the eye. Not only do you have to have intense devotion, but unshakeable dedication to whatever you want to achieve. Hence why you will probably need every tool in the toolbox to make it happen.

Battling The Negative Narratives of Thoughts

One of the statements that stuck to my prefrontal cortex when I thought about this post was from a church sermon I was listening to years ago. The pastor ferociously repeated a sentence: “When the devil wants to attack, he doesn’t go after the thing you are hoping for; he wants to enter your mind.” Now, despite not dubbing myself as a Christian, I am 100% a spiritual person. And when I reflect deeply about the many reasons I gave up that hobby or interest, it was because a seed of doubt was planted, sprouting a beanstalk-worthy tree full of negative narratives that swam around in my brain when it got quiet.

As much as B. Simone isn’t the world’s favorite example of success, I was enamored by her 1 million dollar challenge, pushing herself to make 1 million dollars by her 30th birthday. It’s not only the fact that she reached her goal that inspires me, but the how. B. leaned on every one of her skills, down to doing hair, which she did before she became a comedian who toured with heavyweights like Martin Lawrence and Nick Cannon, to make that money. Not only did she believe in herself, but she valued every one of her skills’ ability to help her achieve her goal.

Reclaiming Your Dreams & Mindset

What I am trying to say is, society is not the only source of killing our dreams; sometimes we do that all by ourselves. To combat this, we need to take control of our thoughts. Dreaming is often seen as a negative thing that keeps us away from the realities of life. I now understand dreaming is one of those things that keeps you alive and open to the wider possibilities the world offers. The hardships of the Western world often make us forget that there is more to the world than a 9-to-5. Therefore, join me in training our minds into believing that, no matter what, it will all work out. I have no idea what I am doing, but at least ya’ll know your not the only one searching for a paddle.

I started writing this post late last year, and I was in a very different headspace. While the underlying sentiment remains, my perspective has shifted.  I’m increasingly aware that my relationship with London is coming to a natural end. Originally, I felt angry and disappointed. Now, I see it as a fulfilling chapter closing gracefully. Either way, it’s probably time to break up with the UK.

This isn’t the first time I’ve considered escaping my homeland. I tasted freedom when I moved out for university, and spreading my wings made me never want to return to my family home. It felt like every floorboard and cupboard was filled with restrictions and anguish. I realized that environment wasn’t a place where I could thrive. I started to think a move to the United States was the only way this new version of myself could flourish. Part of me is glad I didn’t achieve that goal. Running away never solves anything, and that’s exactly what I was doing. More importantly, I’ve realized that what I was truly seeking was a change of lifestyle, and moving to another Westernized country wouldn’t have provided that.

I caught the travel bug early, eager to see what else the world offered. However, envisioning myself living anywhere but the UK just wasn’t an option. Giving up the convenience the city offered seemed impossible. Stellar transport, 24-hour establishments, a buzzing nightlife – what more could a single girl ask for?  But when I look further down the line, aspiring to more permanent, foundational elements that come with getting older – like buying a house, having children, being able to take regular breaks, or simply having flexibility – I realize the West often snatches these things away.

The thought of leaving the only place I’ve ever truly known fills me with a mix of fear and anxiety. I often wake up pondering the possibility of losing everything. While that’s a possibility anywhere, there’s a certain comfort in knowing that if it happened here, I’d know the blueprint to getting back on my feet. I’d be reluctant to ask for help (pride gets in the way), but I’m familiar with the system’s loopholes, and if I’m not, I know where to find the information I need. More importantly, there are significant financial implications to consider when making such a big move.

My grandparents moved to the UK, specifically London, to give us greater opportunities than the Caribbean offered at the time, such as access to free healthcare and education. While I appreciate their decision, I struggle with the concept of permanency. We millennials understand the myth of hard work in the West; it doesn’t automatically translate into a better life.

I’m a cautious person, carefully considering my decisions to avoid major mistakes. One reason I haven’t left sooner is the fear that I might be romanticizing life elsewhere. I believe in the saying, “The grass is greener where you water it,” meaning you can build something great anywhere. I needed to determine if my desire to leave was simply a result of seeing curated highlights on social media, or if diversifying my options at home could truly bring the satisfaction I craved.

My conclusion? London just isn’t the city of hope it once was. I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but conditions have changed drastically since my childhood, and it’s heartbreaking. Yes, the UK is fantastic for its diverse community. The mix of cultures in one place is unparalleled, offering a unique opportunity to learn about the world without leaving. I haven’t found anywhere else quite like it.

Nevertheless, I’m ready to let go of the idea of “all I know.” Growth comes from immersing ourselves in new experiences. Home is where the heart is, and honestly, being a city dweller just doesn’t provide the same warmth it once did.

So, like the advice you’d give a friend about a partner who just isn’t right, it’s time to move on. If you, like me, feel that where you are isn’t speaking to your spirit, have the courage to explore somewhere new. Embrace the possibility of a place that will ignite the passion you feel is currently being stifled. It’s time to activate that inner spark.

I am a Cafe Nero junky who jumps at the chance to saunter into a branch and order my favourite beverage (a Chai Latte with coconut milk if you are asking). But as we know, the current economic state is providing the majority of us many reasons to file our tiny luxuries into the “someday” box to achieve the bigger goals closer to the end of the tunnel. It got me thinking about how this mindset is feeding into the misery that plagues the land.

We all have that nagging voice in our heads. The one that whispers, “You don’t deserve this,” or “You should save that for a special occasion.”  It’s a voice born from scarcity, a ghost of past struggles that lingers even when the present reality has shifted. For those of us who grew up in lower socioeconomic communities, the concept of saving something nice for a special occasion was particularly persistent.

My childhood was one that meant I didn’t go hungry. But it was not one of regular high street shopping sprees or fine dining. More like a tapestry woven with threads of “make-do” and “go without.” Every penny was meticulously accounted for, every treat a rare indulgence. Joy was often deferred, a distant prize promised for a future of stability.  “Finish school,” they’d say, “then the world is your oyster.”  “Get that promotion,” they’d advise, “then you can live anywhere in the world without a care.”  The message was clear: happiness was a reward for delayed gratification, a luxury reserved for a more prosperous tomorrow.

This mindset, while understandable, can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. We learn to associate pleasure with deprivation, to equate enjoyment with guilt. We hoard experiences, saving them for a mythical time that may never come. We forget that life, in all its messy, unpredictable glory, is happening now.

We never know when the hands of time will change. Illness, injury, unexpected life events – they can shatter our plans in an instant. That dream vacation we’ve been saving for? It might become impossible. That special someone we’ve been waiting to share our passions with? They might be gone tomorrow.
We say it all the time waking up tomorrow isn’t promised, but do we live by it?  And while it’s important to be responsible and plan for the future, it’s equally crucial to savour the present. To relish the sweetness of life’s offerings now, not as a distant reward, but as a testament to our hard work, our growth, and our right to happiness.

This doesn’t mean reckless abandon, of course. It’s about finding a balance. It’s about recognising your worth and understanding that you deserve joy, now. Allowing yourself to experience the fruits of your labour, to celebrate milestones big and small.
For me, this has meant a gradual shift in perspective. It’s meant learning to say “yes” to experiences that bring me joy, even if they don’t fit neatly into a pre-conceived plan. It’s meant treating myself with kindness and compassion, recognising that self-care is not a luxury, but a necessity.
It’s meant indulging in a fancy coffee without guilt, taking that weekend getaway, and splurging on something that speaks to my soul. It’s meant learning to appreciate the beauty of a simple sunset, the warmth of a loved one’s embrace, the quiet joy of a well-loved book.

This journey of self-discovery is an ongoing,  constant negotiation between the voice of scarcity and the voice of abundance. It’s a reminder that true wealth extends beyond financial security. There is high importance in cultivating a rich inner life, filled with gratitude, joy, and a deep appreciation for the present moment.

Remember, this is not about consumerism or materialism. It’s about honouring your needs, nurturing your soul, and creating a life filled with meaning and joy. It’s about recognizing that you are worthy of happiness, right here, right now.

So, I invite you to join me on this journey. Let’s shed the shackles of scarcity and embrace the abundance that awaits. Let’s savour the sweetness of life, not as a distant reward, but as a daily practice. Let’s learn to live fully, to love deeply, and to experience the joy that life has to offer, every single day.

Hopefully this helps you decide on whether you buy that fancy coffee or boil the kettle.

The intersectionality involved in being a black, female, Caribbean, and first-generation immigrant has created the perfect storm for having a poor relationship with the concept of productivity. Not only am I a high achiever, but team that with the cultural themes of always having to be seen to be busy, resting isn’t something that is second nature.

The Cambridge Dictionary describes procrastination as the act of delaying something that must be done, mainly due to it being unpleasant or boring. I am 100% guilty, due to my days being so full I have found joy in ordering an active day with the tasks that I love as a priority leaving the less enjoyable ones towards the end of the day meaning I am less likely to get to them done. This at times has supported in creating an identity that has made me call myself lazy when I haven’t spent the majority of the day achieving tasks. When I look at my cortisol levels, it’s ABSURD! and has made me think more deeply about procrastination and the reasons why we are unproductive.

Why Do We Procrastinate?

Procrastination is a lot more complex than picking the easier tasks over the mundane drawn out ones. Some of the reasons why we might procrastinate are:

• Fear of Failure: Scared of the inability to meet expectations or the possibility of failure can paralyse us, leading to procrastination.
• Perfectionism: Striving to be effortless can lead to procrastination as we fear that our work won’t be good enough.
• Lack of Motivation: If we feel demotivated overall we can find it difficult to start any task and lack the motivation to start.
• Overwhelm: When faced with a large or complex task, we may feel overwhelmed and avoid it altogether.
• Lack of Prioritisation: Not knowing what tasks are most important can lead to procrastination as we struggle to decide where to start.

The Power of Curiosity

The problem with human beings is that we are programmed not to ask questions. As much as the powers at be may believe it is good for political business, it truly has a larger effect on us personally as we lose the volume on the inner voice when we are problem solving. When feeling uninspired by a duty, approach it with curiosity. Ask yourself: “What is preventing me from starting this task?” “What emotions am I experiencing?” “What can I do to make this task more enjoyable?”By approaching procrastination with curiosity, we gain valuable insights into our own behavior and develop strategies to overcome it. Remember, procrastination is a common human experience. It’s not a sign of laziness or a lack of willpower. By understanding what causes it and implementing effective strategies, we can overcome procrastination and live a more productive and fulfilling life.

Reframing Procrastination

If you ask me procrastination is so common because we have the privilege of choice. And although at times having too many options isn’t always the best, an array of outcomes means we are more informed in what we can do to help ourselves. There are many moments where “procrastinating” over a responsibility has been helpful as quick action can also lead to making a mistake or causing a tense situation. Instead of beating ourselves up for procrastinating, we can reframe it as a signal that something is amiss. Here are some strategies to help you overcome procrastination:

• Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself and avoid self-criticism. Remember that everyone procrastinates at times and there could be a reason as to why you shouldn’t react.
• Identify the Root Cause: Take time to understand the underlying reasons for your procrastination. Is it fear? lack of motivation? or something else?
• Break Down Tasks: Divide large tasks into smaller, more manageable steps. This can make them less daunting and easier to tackle.
• Set Realistic Goals: Set achievable goals and avoid overloading your schedule so you don’t think you aren’t getting closer to success
• Create a Productive Environment: Minimise distractions and create a workspace that inspires you free from those beloved recreational activities
• Reward Yourself: Reward yourself for completing tasks to stay motivated. Take a break and do something you love
• Embrace Imperfection: We all make mistakes. Don’t let the fear of imperfection hold you back
• Use a Productivity App: Use a productivity app to track your tasks and stay organised
• Find an Accountability Partner: Share your goals with the encouraging members of your community to stay motivated
• Avoid Multitasking: Focus on one task at a time to improve your productivity
• Learn to Say No: Don’t overcommit yourself
• Prioritise Self-Care: Make time for activities that you enjoy to reduce stress and boost your mood

I am such a warrior that whenever I am faced with an issue, my instincts throw me into attack mode, finding every weapon possible to take down whatever is in my way. Thank God for old age slowing me down, teaching me patience and the value of taking time to respond. Sometimes, the best strategy is to step back, take a breath, and approach the problem with a fresh perspective. When we act without thinking the action can cause more harm than it is worth.

Let’s get out of the habit of labeling ourselves lazy, unbothered, or unsuccessful when we are really overwhelmed, tired, or apprehensive. Spending the majority of your days feeling low about not achieving everything you wish by a certain point is a big waste of time because even when we reach those points, we are still looking for the next accolade. Instead of self-criticism, let’s cultivate self-compassion. You owe it to yourself to understand why you aren’t where you want to be so you cn do the right things about being the best version of yourself, plus you are porbably preventing yourself from making a really bad decision.

I am an extremely hard worker and that used to be one of my most prized characteristics. A goal I want to attain shakes at the sight of me coming, let me see a hurdle and I am leaping over it with the strength of  Heptathlon contestant. But as I am currently recovering from the stupor of a trying time I am starting to feel differently about the concept of perseverance.

My immigrant ancestors would look at me today and say that I am doing everything they expected when they boarded that boat to the UK. However in living colour and when I speak to alot of my fellow diaspora friends, we are happy with what we have but aren’t entirely content with the overall achievement as it is far from what was promised. Basically, what I am saying is the game is rigged and it has only taken us 30 odd years to realise we have been left holding the booby prize.

Across the globe we are going through hard times, but there is something particular about the struggle in Britain. As I watch the political unrest from the public in countries that are unahappy with it’s democracy, the UK has a way of silencing displeasure through it’s keep calm and carry on rhetoric. forcing us to “remain strong” when realistically everything is falling apart at the seams. Contrary to popular belief strength isn’t solely measured by our ability to endure, but also by our capacity to rest, to prioritise self-care, and to live a balanced life.

Breaking Free from the “I’ll Rest When I’m Dead” Mentality

As millennials, we’ve been indoctrinated into a culture that glorifies hustle and grind. The idea that success is synonymous with relentless work has become so deeply ingrained that we often find ourselves sacrificing our wellbeing for the sake of productivity. But is this truly the path to fulfillment?
The truth is, we don’t have to burn ourselves out to achieve our goals. In fact, prioritising rest can actually enhance our productivity and creativity. By taking regular breaks, we give our minds and bodies a chance to recharge, allowing us to return to our work with renewed energy and focus.

Redefining Success on Our Own Terms

Gone are the days of the traditional white picket fence dream. Many of us are choosing alternative paths, pursuing careers that align with our passions rather than societal expectations. We’re breaking free from the mould and forging our own unique journeys.
This shift in perspective allows us to prioritise what truly matters: our happiness, our wellbeing, and our relationships. By focusing on our own goals and aspirations, we can create a life that is both fulfilling and sustainable.

Working Smarter, Not Harder

Instead of striving for perfection, let’s embrace progress. By setting realistic goals and celebrating small victories, we can maintain a positive mindset and avoid burnout. Remember, it’s okay to take things one step at a time.
When it comes to productivity, quality often trumps quantity. There is a higher benefit in taking your time to do things right than rushing through tasks, By focusing on efficiency and mindfulness, we can achieve more in less time.

Memories Over Milestones

Life isn’t just about ticking off boxes on a to-do list. It’s about savoring the journey and creating lasting memories. Don’t wait for the perfect moment to enjoy life. Make time for fun, laughter, and connection with loved ones.
By embracing a more balanced approach to life, we can experience greater joy, fulfillment, and success. Let’s redefine perseverance as the ability to endure, not just the hardship, but also the happiness, the love, and the beauty that life has to offer.

What this last month has taught me is that I cannot wait for the universe to ease up on the gas pedal of life, however I can have more control over how I manage the experiences. In order to persever I have incorporated these tips into my daily routine, to create a more balanced and fulfilling life;

Prioritise Self-Care: Make time for activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul. This could include anything from meditation and yoga to spending time in nature or simply reading a good book
Set Realistic Goals: Break down large goals into smaller, manageable steps. This will help you stay motivated and avoid feeling overwhelmed
Practice Mindfulness: Pay attention to the present moment and avoid dwelling on the past or worrying about the future
Learn to Say No: Don’t be afraid to decline additional responsibilities if you’re already feeling spread thin
Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge your accomplishments, no matter how small. This will help you stay positive and motivated.
Disconnect to Reconnect: Take regular breaks from technology to reduce stress and improve your mental health
Embrace Imperfection: It’s okay to make mistakes. Learn from them and move on

Remember, perseverance reframed means meaningful progress over mere hard work; to achieve your wildest dreams, you must strive to be the best version of yourself. Remember, it’s not about being perfect; it’s about progress.

I often feel like an alien walking among humans. The way I’ve always thought and felt has never aligned with the world’s trajectory. Lately, I feel as though my train of thought is going in the complete opposite direction, leaving me questioning whether I should trust myself right now?

Don’t Be a Humble Hero

The humility within me would normally assume I’ve got it wrong and try to conform to the crowd. But the new, improved, mature, and self-regulated Rea understands that there are many different versions of “the truth.” It got me thinking about how we criticise others for simply living their own lives. Humans predisposition is selfishness, we tend to view the world through our own lens condeming anything that goes against our linear thinking. While I believe it’s fine to have our own experiences, life isn’t this one-size-fits-all garnment we all can don. We need diversity to thrive, yet it seems the 1% worldview is pushed, making the rest of us 99%rs feel like we’re on the wrong path.

As I’ve shared before, my teenage years weren’t the most enjoyable. I spent most of the time hating and misunderstanding myself. Constantly told I was wrong, I never believed I could make sound decisions, so I emulated that battling internally between what I wanted and what I thought was the right thing to do. My 20s were a blur of navigating the world with little guidance, expected to become the best version of myself with low self-esteem and no real support from those who came before me. This was weird to me, as I was expected to be the best version of myself despite being left with low self-esteem and no aid to walk me through the process. By 30, I thought I’d cracked the code, entering my “Thanos dynasty” phase where I didn’t care what the world thought. Yet, I still desperately sought validation, using others’ lives as a blueprint.

Pushing Through Uncertainty

These decades of uncertainty and misguidedness made me terrified of mistakes. It felt like one wrong choice could ruin my life. I didn’t trust myself, and despite growing, self-doubt still runs deep each time I am faced with a conundrum. Every decision triggers a mental debate, and while I know I learn from mistakes, I’m ingrained to believe they’re a crime against humanity.
The problem is that many of us have a poor relationship with failure. We hide our mistakes in shame, hindering our learning process and making it difficult to offer supportive or advice to others. Instead, we often pass on that same shame through warnings and disapproval when really what they are doing is kind of admirable.

I’m getting better at accepting that everyone’s life is different. While advice can be helpful, ultimately, our decisions should align with our own vision, not someone else’s. Sometimes, the feedback we receive isn’t rooted in love, but in the giver’s own unresolved fears. Don’t let those fears become your story. The gift of life is about venturing out and creating a fulfilling life for yourself, not fulfilling someone else’s unfulfilled desires.

Self Belief is the Key to Happiness

Remember, trial and error is a concept for a reason. We’re meant to experiment, learn, and find the right path. The saying “be yourself, because everyone else is taken” applies to more than just personality. It relates to the choices we make. majority of the time, the only person who knows what you need is you. You have the ability to actualise your dormant dreams. Don’t let disapproval from others stifle your potential. Sometimes, the approval you seek is the self-doubt you need to overcome. Trust in your own power, everyone else does.

I have been giving a lot of relationship advice lately. Why, I don’t know because I believe that many aspects of relationships are trial and error versus the pot of gold method. Basically meaning if you don’t give a theory a try you will never know the outcome. The topic of relationships is filled with as many complexities as there are people in the world. Through the conversations, I found that there are underlying themes that keep recurring. Two particularly prominent themes were worth and value.

These terms are often used interchangeably, but they have distinct meanings. According to the Oxford dictionary, value refers to the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of somethings. importance, usefulness, or quality of something. While worth is the level at which someone or something deserves to be valued or rated.

In the context of relationships, these terms can be confusing. Are we looking for a partner who has a high net worth, or someone who simply brings value to our lives? Is it more important that they are worthy of our love, or that they have qualities we value?

My Journey to Self-Worth

My own journey to understanding these concepts began during a period of intentional singledom. Tired of the negative energy I was attracting, I realised that I needed to do some inner work. I used to think that my level of education, and amassed wealth was what made people fruitful to others. So despite not being top of my class and using the tenacity coming from a single parent home taught me, I worked my ass off to attract men with the charecteristics that fit into this demographic.
As I continued to grow and evolve I noticed, despite all that I had done I was still unable to find the happiness I longed for. I began to understand that my worth was not defined by my accomplishments or my possessions. It was intrinsic to who I was as a person. I learned to value myself for my kindness, intelligence, and resilience.

The Importance of Self-Worth in Relationships

Having a strong sense of self-worth is essential for healthy relationships. When we know our own value, we are less likely to settle for less than we deserve. We are also better equipped to handle challenges and setbacks.
When we are in a relationship with someone who truly values us, we feel loved, respected, and supported. We know that our partner sees us for who we are, and that they appreciate our unique qualities. When you think highly of yourself, you are less likely to allow the smoke and mirrors of potential suitors distract you from what your core tells you is estimable about a person.

Finding Value in Others

While self-worth is crucial, it is equally important to be able to recognise value in others. When we are looking for a partner, we should be seeking someone who brings positive qualities to our lives and helps us grow. This could be anything from a shared sense of humour to a deep connection on an intellectual level.
It’s important to remember that value is subjective. What one person finds valuable in a partner, another may not. It’s essential to be honest with ourselves about what we are looking for and to communicate our needs and desires.

The Intersection of Worth and Value

While worth and value are distinct concepts, they are interconnected. When we inhibit high value behaviours, it is easier to find a partner that aligns with our way of living. When we are in a relationship with someone who brings value to our lives, we feel more fulfilled and satisfied. So when we think about it, we have to feel secure within ourselves before going out into the world to connect with another. Otherwise, we will end up colliding with individuals who do not endeavour to enrich our lives.

The journey of finding love and building lasting relationships can be challenging. But by understanding the concepts of worth and value, we can make more informed decisions and create connections that are truly meaningful. Sometimes, the person you want doesn’t have the qualities you need. That may not mean you are settling for less. But focusing on elements of their character that will build something long-lasting instead of a short-lived fizzle.
Remember, your worth is intrinsic to who you are. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. And when you are looking for a partner, seek someone who values you for who you are. Not what you can give them, or who they show themselves to be in that moment.

I often spend my time walking around not paying attention to what I am doing, or where I am going. 9 times out of 10 I am on autopilot, following the route of common pastures so I never truly need to be in full awareness. But it wasn’t until a couple of weekends ago that my nephew forced me to realise, I need to rouse myself from my daze as I am being heavily watched.

I have always owned the position of being the funniest in the family. My anecdotes are performed with perfect precision, guaranteed to get a symphony of laughs from those around me. Although I didn’t birth him, my nephew is a chip off my block. Extremely sensitive and kind, but most importantly everywhere he goes he is the vibe. So when I overheard him put his spin on a term I have only been using for the past 6 years (mainly because he became a parrot whilst learning to speak) “shut the front door” to “close the back door” I realised not only how intently he has been observing me, but how enamoured he has become with this particular part of my character that he wanted to emulate his own version.

It is not the first time that I have come across another biting my style, and it was my nephew whose life examples aren’t exactly wide ranging at this point. But I like to comfortably live in my humility of being that wallflower that enjoys every single one of the perks. My boyfriend always tells me that there is something special about me and that whenever I do something, everyone wants to follow. I usually brush that off as he is biased. The emphatic love he has for me, as well as his deep-rooted attraction, would place me on a pedestal that only Jesus could reach. But no matter where I go or how much I try to remain inconspicuous, I am always picked out to be the trendsetter or spokeswoman as if I was a descendant of the Parks family.

I love inspiring others. That moment of seeing someone hopeless without an answer, to where to go next. And their whole existence changing when you have instilled belief, and faith into them is enough to change the course of my mood throughout any day. I know what it feels like to be left without a paddle. Wading through tepid waters without a navigator is enough to make you surrender and go back to what you know because, despite it being miserable predictable and safe is always better for your central nervous system.

Being a role model has most times left me with uncomfortable feelings as unfortunately for me being scrutinised hasn’t always come with admiration. I have often found that there may be a select group of people basking in the awe they have created around you. But it tends to be a spirit in you that most envy, or try to desecrate. When you are born with an inner light that shines bright, the misery loves company clan swoops in to bring the joy to a close. All of a sudden the screaming crowd gets quiet leaving you all alone to fight the battle they caused.

I have started to come to terms with the fact that you cannot stop your destiny. It is inevitable, you won’t be able to hide in the shadows for very long if your qualities are those that appeal to those looking for light. If anything you have to allow your discernment to lead in deciding whether someone is trying to come up off your style, or is simply inspired by what you bring to the table. Because less face it, being you and standing true to your values and ethics isn’t easy to do. Only those who want to continue the good you put out need your time and attention.

So, here I am, a reluctant influencer. A woman who enjoys her quiet moments but finds herself at the center of attention. It’s a strange dance, this balance between wanting to blend in and the undeniable pull to lead. Perhaps it’s time to embrace this unexpected role with a little more grace. After all, if my light can illuminate even a single path, then maybe the unwanted spotlight isn’t so bad.

(Just to contradict myself, I’m hiding from my neighbor in a cafe as I write this)

If you’ve been following my journey towards a more fulfilling and balanced life, you know I’ve been diving deep into self-love and personal growth. As I shared in The Journey to Philautia, traditional self-care often falls short when you’re dealing with deep-rooted emotional wounds. Growing up with unmet needs can make love feel like an abstract concept, making navigating life a complex challenge.

Thinking back to my childhood, there were undoubtedly happy moments. Yet, many experiences left a lasting impact. While I believe in personal accountability, I also recognise the influence of my upbringing. Blaming my caregivers won’t change the past, but understanding the role it played in shaping me is essential.

This is where reparenting comes in. It’s about becoming the loving parent your inner child never had. It’s a journey of self-discovery, healing, and growth. Very Well Mind defines reparenting as an adult working to meet their own emotional or physical needs that were unfulfilled as a child. It’s about unlearning unhealthy patterns and cultivating a healthier relationship with yourself.

While many focus on external improvements, reparenting addresses the core of our being – the inner child yearning for love and care. It’s about recognising the wounds from the past and tending to them with compassion and understanding.

Unmasking the Inner Child

Here’s the good news: you can become the loving parent your inner child always needed. Reparenting is about offering yourself the compassion, validation, and support you may have lacked as a child.To begin the journey of reparenting, it’s essential to connect with your inner child. This involves exploring your childhood experiences, identifying unmet needs, and understanding how these experiences shape your present-day behaviors and emotions. Once you’ve connected with your inner child, it’s time to nurture and care for them. This involves cultivating self-compassion, setting boundaries, and challenging negative self-talk.

Language is Key

The words we use have a profound impact on our self-perception. Growing up in a household that emphasised achievement over self-worth, I learned the power of positive affirmations. Negative self-talk can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, while positive affirmations can boost self-esteem and resilience.

By consciously choosing our words, we can create a more supportive and nurturing environment for ourselves. Practice speaking kindly to yourself and celebrating your accomplishments, no matter how small.

Change Your Environment

Our environment plays a significant role in our overall well-being. Surrounding yourself with positive and supportive people can make a world of difference. It’s important to create a space that reflects your values and aspirations.

Consider spending less time with people who drain your energy and more time with those who uplift and inspire you. Create a physical space that is calming and conducive to relaxation and creativity.

You Don’t Owe Anyone Anything

Many of us grow up feeling obligated to our parents or caregivers. This sense of duty can prevent us from setting boundaries and prioritizing our own needs. It’s important to remember that you are not responsible for their happiness or well-being.

Learning to say no without guilt is a crucial step in reparenting yourself. It allows you to focus on your own needs and create a healthier balance in your life.

Reparenting yourself is a journey, not a destination. It requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to explore your past. By nurturing your inner child, you cultivate self-love, resilience, and a deeper sense of wholeness. Remember, you deserve to be loved and cared for, and sometimes only you have the power to provide that love for yourself.

If you are a careful Casey like me, taking an unmitigated risk is like asking you to manually shed your own skin. I know graphic content for added drama, but what I mean is that it would be extremely painful and therefore highly unlikely for you to elect to do. The problem is that the key to success is to do things that you wouldn’t normally do.

This post is inspired by a recent life transition where I did something that spiritually I feel isn’t right for me, but financially made so much sense. I went back into management. Now, that doesn’t sound so bad. However, the decision has slightly moved away from the 2024 life plan I set before myself. And although it is opening me up to more opportunities which is always great, I am left asking myself what is more important following the status quo or leaning into the new vision that honestly is extremely scary?

Happiness is a goal and I have only realised this within the last few years. My previous concept of happiness was target oriented. Working my way up the organisational chain, and at some point hopefully owning a piece of the pie that would better people’s lives as I have remained passionate about my craft. Nowadays, I see beyond the humdrum corporate life and want to experience pieces of the retirement plan a lot earlier. As a millennial, Gen Z is like that annoying sibling you never wanted but always needed. Their view on life not being about merely just existing, working yourself into the ground is utterly inspiring. If a lot more of us were honest with ourselves we’d admit, we are jealous we didn’t think of it first. The unpredictability of the universe shows that we have no idea when our book is gonna come to an end, or if the evil villain becomes victorious in our life story. We aren’t guaranteed to live a long life, we’re just given the opportunity to have one.

I have been saying for a while that I am over UK living, and yes the unpredictable weather and cozzy lives are heavy deciding factors. Although more importantly I want to live in a place where I am loved, and appreciated. Despite London being my place of inception it is a far cry from what I knew it to be. Every day feels like a mental struggle and even though I am winning the battle, the overwhelming exhaustion is played out. I used to think the question was whether I could make it abroad. But my life has shown me that when I put my mind to something, I will ensure I survive. So the destination isn’t an issue it’s my ability to believe in my bounce back.

The TikTok I saw this week let me know that main character energy isn’t something you learn, you are born with it. For years I have been running away from the natural-born leader that lives within, hiding from the strength I was given to create something that will make future generations proud to continue. The key to being happy is going after what your heart desires and unfortunately, that requires to leave your comfort creatures behind. It will be frightening, but who wants to be 80 years old reflecting on the hard knocks when you could be enjoying sweet sweet memories?

From what my family history has taught me completely trusting a man is like taking your own cyanide pill. And if I am being honest from looking at their choices in counterparts I agree with how they arrived at that destination. The lack of positive men around me throughout life deeply deterred me from understanding how another who comes with their own baggage can lessen your burdens? Experiences like these reinforced the independent lioness of a woman that lives within forcing me to become my own defence mechanism, confidante, support system and motivation. But the jungle gets tiring, and it led me to think is it possible to be both hunter and gatherer?

I can’t say I wholeheartedly trust anyone with my life. The turbulence of my upbringing, mixed with the unwritten decree I set upon myself not to destroy my lineage by being an awful parent makes me precious over who has influence in my world. I have spent most of my formative years putting up electric fences to warn off any man that may disturb the peaceful realm I have created. But I would be lying if I said I don’t get FOMO watching women freely living delulu in their relationships despite being terrified of exploring. History has shown that independence within a woman is only ever seen in 2 ways;

• To be something to tear down as it diminshes the male ego
• To be taken from due to the lack of ability for said man to provide for himself

So being in a relationship can feel like a complete attack on the familiarities that are my beloved security blanket. Saying this constantly exisiting in defence mode can not only be exhausting but also really isolating, and creates nuances about your persona that aren’t a true reflection of who you are or want to be. I hate being a hinderence to my progression so I have been making more of an effort to share some of the most sacred parts of my soul with my significant other. Although it hasn’t been without it’s challenges, this has been an experience that has only enhanced me in my relationship but also as an indvidual overall. What those who became before us failed to mention is that not everyone deserves the most sacred parts of us, but there will be some who won’t add to our distress. The comfort of knowing even if I fail myself I will be there to pick myself back up has been my motivation on some of my darkest days.

Social media is alive with the quote “Are you really healed or just isolated form the things that trigger you?” This really resonated with me. It made me realise that despite doing all this work on myself, I cannot truly know how I handle something if I evade putting it to the test. Relationships can be extremely tricky water to tread, but I won’t be able to reach the milestones if I don’t put myself in a position to give someone else the reins every once in a while.

Men are not the enemy, unhealed individuals with poor intentions are. Every woman wants a good man, and although this can mean different things for everyone I often hear women share their sentiments of what makes the perfect partner, the leading factor is always money. When in reality the depth of someones pockets doesn’t determine the quality of their character. It all comes back to that uncomfortble space called vulnerability, a word that isn’t always assigned to black woman but an extremely humanistic value. If you are true to yourself, the person you choose will honour you. Even the parts you hate will be silly little quirks they adore.

You don’t have to do much right now, just let others in to places you keep locked up in Pandora’s box. An anecdote I share with myself when I find am apprehensive about opening up is, that when someone breaks your trust it says more about them then you and let them hold that. Free yourself sis, open up and let him be your motivator.

I’ve been facing some challenges with my hair lately, but not for negative reasons. It’s going through changes. As I took down one of my latest styles, I noticed the significant growth it has made in a short period. To maintain these developments, I started reflecting on the differences I’ve made in the last few months. It dawned on me that I’ve been washing my hair more regularly. Now hold up, wait let me finish. This realization is blog post-worthy because, for years, black girls have been told that washing their hair less frequently is the key to maintaining natural oils. This has me thinking about the other myths we’ve been told by our cultural leaders.

I have written about it before, culture is this invisible coat we take with us everywhere we go. It is the framework for our morals and values, but just like the style stakes it can come in and out of fashion. I often ask the question of why black people are not as developed as other cultures who have a history of deprivation? As much as culture can be an integral part of our identities, relying on this as the only source of wisdom and education restricts growth.

I still vividly recall the first time I felt captivated by the idea of traveling alone. I watched YouTubers with their cameras, exploring different parts of the world and having these profound experiences. It was something I knew I had to try. The idea of trying to organise another “Girls Trip” through the group chat was testing my patience, and I no longer wanted to let others hold me back from reaching my goals. When I first brought up the idea of traveling abroad alone, I didn’t receive supportive feedback or any tips on staying safe. Instead, I was overwhelmed with fear, which was already present within me, about encountering something new, despite similar things happening on British soil.

There are many things we do or don’t do simply because we were told by people we assumed knew better than us, with no actual accreditations, that it would have some form of a negative effect on us. Education isn’t just about getting the best grades so you can be the doctor or lawyer the diaspora forces upon us. It is about getting as much information about whatever it is that you want to do so you can make an informed decision about whether you should partake in it.

Sometimes, our parents may discourage us from something or encourage us to pursue an idea without conducting their own due diligence. Despite the cultural belief that age equals wisdom, it is our responsibility to use critical thinking when faced with a dilemma, rather than assuming that what we have been told is absolute truth. By combining the discernment of our ancestors with the few benefits of Westernised living, we can gain multiple perspectives on life. It’s important to take the time to consider all aspects and, most importantly, to explore opportunities because FOMO (fear of missing out) is just a trendy way of saying missing out on life, and nobody wants to feel that.

If we continue with the status quo, we won’t achieve greater heights. It’s essential for generations to progress, as standing still won’t get us anywhere.

I am frustrated, pissed off even. Because I think when people look at my life, the success I have achieved, and the joy in my heart they assume that I am like this because I was touched by an angel. This is far from the truth. If a surgeon extrapolated my brain they would find the internal battle of feeling as if I am nowhere near what I want to be, and far from where I expected of my future at this stage many moons ago. I would like to think that I have let go of some of those unrealistic expectations, done away with the pipe dreams, settled into the fact that although I do not know my path, I am here for all I can pick up along the journey.

Being happy and confident is a lot of fucking hard work. As much as I believe that we are all beautifully and uniquely made with different characteristics, and talents we all face some of the same challenges. Life is gonna test the hell out of every single one of us, bringing you to your knees in ways that you couldn’t even imagine. And just when it seems like you have clocked the game a brand new boss pops up stronger than the last to see if you are really about this life.

Much to people’s surprise I wasn’t born knowing how to combat my demons. I had to learn when it is appropriate to fight back or don my track shoes and get to stepping because I had 2 choices kill or be killed. Now this isn’t a message for anyone struggling with their mental health. Especially in these times when it feels like every step forward is followed by 10 steps back. This is for the people who have admired those like myself without genuinely asking or paying attention to how I got here and splutter “it’s different for you, you are just so strong”.

I will admit there are days when I feel impenetrable, like God himself couldn’t knock me down. However, if I am being honest those days are very few and far between. Most of the time my cranium is full of questions and doubt, wondering whether what I am doing is right or if whether to continue as I probably made a wrong turn somewhere. Alas, I still show up, for myself more than anything ready to make it to another day.

People can be like leeches, instead of standing tall and facing their adversities they sit at the bottom of the ocean nipping at the ankles of others using their last morsel of might hoping to strengthen themselves even it means depleting someone else. To me this is the ultimate crime, for you who refuses to do the work sucking from another source in order to give you life is extremely unfair. You have no idea what it takes just to put one foot in front of the other. If they knew how meticulously planned my day, thoughts and actions are would they be so quick to disregard what it takes to get here? Is there a chance that this isn’t an act of sheer cowardice but a life uncertainty that they are trying to find the answer to?

The fact that those who have been considered to be given the blueprint to the perfect life can still end up destitute demonstrates that there are no rewards without diligence. Those quotes that express you being in charge of your own happiness don’t always explain the fine print. You are also culpable for your own unhappiness if you aren’t dedicated to getting out of your own way.

Unfortunately it seems the bulk of the solution lies with you. You can tell the person how their act of survival is draining your energy and see how they respond. Or continue to put your efforts into them hoping change will come. How much help you provide to anyone is a deliberate act of self-care, no matter what it is the responsibility of that individual to handle the push and pull of their life. Yes, you may have experienced something similar and can provide vital advice to support them but this should never transition into doing the work for them. We are the architects of our own futures, no matter how hard it can be to achieve. Reality of the situation is that people will always do what they want, not necessarily what is right and you can’t get yourself into a bind over it. How much time will you have left for yourself? I’m pretty sure we all have a story of that friend we tried to give advice to, and now the relationship is no more…. you know what I will leave that for another post.

As I have said before I am a recovering people pleaser. The last born, Aries, and wearer of her heart on my sleeve creates the perfect storm of wanting to take care of those nearest and dearest to me even if it means being at a loss.
One of my biggest conundrums in life has been navigating relationships, I have often battled with how much to give as it is natural for human beings that tend to be on the receiving end to not understand that there are limits to their requests. But as the years have flown by and the trend of being a Joan of Arc wears thin I realise that ensuring my needs are met before serving others is going to save my life.

These are called boundaries, they are often ignored or berated when asserted. But are essential if your aim is to build a healthy relationship with any person or group of people. A boundary has many definitions, however relevant to relationships romantic or platonic. The Britannica dictionary describes a boundary as “unofficial rules of what should not be done, limits that define acceptable behaviour”. For a long time I didn’t think any of that applied to me, I felt like I was born to please others. I remember the moment my feelings around this were validated when watching one of my favourite films My Sisters Keeper. The moment the youngest sibling to a sister who has life threatening Cancer realises she was only born to keep her sister alive through stem cell transplants. Not through the love of her parents wanting to expand their legacy.

Growing up asserting boundaries within my childhood home was something that was not only unheard of, but would be seen as a punishable crime resulting in receiving a maximum life sentence. You found yourself longing to astro project into adulthood at the speed of light only to find that the goal posts were moved and you were still subject to having your freedom revoked. The problem with this is that everyone expects that when you are faced with another issue that doesn’t involve them. Instantaneously you are supposed to have the strength of the worlds most confident woman, ensuring that nobody succeeds in disrespecting you in unimaginable ways. When the reality of the situation is if you aren’t reared with these values you give yourself to the world like a martyr and we all know how that ends.

All these experiences have lead me to hate telling people no. This isn’t because I want to be the heroin of everyone’s story, but majority of the time the other person has a hard time hearing the objection. So instead of managing their emotions around not getting what they want, tries to find a way for me to change my mind. I am not a fan of having to explain myself so it often results in me stopping communication to avoid a major blow up as we all are aware that we cannot get what we want all the time so why does it make a difference when it comes to me?

Truth is, it isn’t anyone elses responsibility to take on the reactions of another when a boundary has been set. Everyone will have opinions on how one should live, but depending on the era they were born in or whatever they consider the “right thing” will determine how they renact that within their life story. We all deserve to reside within an environment that supports us even if we make decisions that don’t honour the expectations others. I am a strong believer that those who have access to the most intimate parts of your world shouldn’t make you feel as if telling them your thoughts and feelings is a personal attack or that the guilt they feel for going beyond your comfort zone is your fault. If people cannot get with the programme you are within all rights to cut them loose. If they love and respect you like they say they do, none of this will be an issue for them.

No matter what you have experienced, no person walking this earth has the right to take up so much space in your world that you forget what is important to you. Creating those guidelines will give you that self-esteem boost you have dreaming of. Remember, you are worthy of a life that supports your well-being. Don’t be afraid to set boundaries, and don’t feel guilty about prioritising yourself. By taking charge of your own happiness, you’ll be better equipped to show up authentically for the people who truly matter.

I missed my posting deadline last week, and I would love to say it was because I was inundated with other prosperous engagements. But reality is the day passed me as I was consumed by a bout of extreme negative thinking. Emulating Spongebob’s bestie Patrick burying myself under the biggest rock I could find and naming it home. The level of overwhelm that struck wasn’t abnormal, but my inability to counteract it was alarming as it has been a while since I have had difficulty finding a solution to a dark period, calling into question if I am as healed as I think I am?

My life has been anything but easy and I would like to think that I had accepted my anointing as one of God’s strongest soldiers. But just like on the battlefield you can never predict the outcome of the oppositions move. I define myself as a realist, meaning life comes at me fast and I deal with it. So I am used to the rocky terrain the journey entails. So whenever I am faced with adversity I reach into my trusty therapeutic tool box selecting a strategy to fit the scenario. Human nature would have us believe that we are invincible, built like Teflon Don’s who can weather any storm without a bruise in sight carrying on like nothing ever happened. As I spoke about in one of my last posts our bodies are a great memory bank so it is assumed that everything we experience will provide us with a blueprint of how to deal with it as well as others similar, but this is untrue. And when we don’t emerge victorious it forces us down the imposter syndrome route as if everything we previously thought about ourselves was a lie.

The British spirit of “keep calm and carry on” is a dangerous one. It forces us into disassociation giving a false sense of awareness of when we are triggered. So instead of beginning the deep work at the start of the incident, we frantically begin treatment when we are knee deep in the crisis stage. Although we all handle adversity differently, we can all agree that even if we consider ourselves to work well under stressful situations if we had a choice those would not be our desired circumstances. Give yourself a break, acknowledging that you are struggling with something or do not have the answer to a dilemma does not make you weak. I have often found more strength in my vulnerabilty than my assurance because being a know it all can make you dismissive to the other options around you.

It has reminded me that healing isn’t about counting down the days to when you are going to get back on the horse, healing is knowing no matter how long it takes you are getting back on that horse. It isn’t linear, and there will be days that you call into question whether you have been doing any work at all. The relief of conquering that mountain, feels like defeat when we find ourselves staring up a new one in the distance. But here’s the thing – even the strongest soldiers need a break sometimes. Forgiving yourself for succumbing to hardship isn’t easy. It challenges the narrative of invincibility we often create. But vulnerability and self-compassion are true signs of strength.

Don’t be like me and judge yourself for not noticing what the issue, and doing what was necessary to stay on track. It is important to remain gentle with ourselves, the journey through healing is a marathon not a sprint. So, here’s to acknowledging the setbacks, dusting ourselves off, and reaching back into that trusty toolbox. This time, maybe we add a “check-in” tool – a reminder to listen to our internal compass and address negativity before it snowballs

During a recent commute to work, I was spotted by a girl I had a brief friendship stint with in college. Unfortunately, our union ended in such a negative way that stopped me from being friends with all of the girls, as my high level of morality caused me to be an outcast. I like to drink my water and mind my business. So upon spotting her, I avoided eye contact not out of fear but to evade any form of conversation that may disrupt my morning ritual. I was completely taken aback by her response as her recollection of our brief friendship completely missed out the turbulent ending. And when she was reminded of this, her reply was “You’re still holding on to that, we were so young”.

If you know me that situation ended with me politely letting her have it, and her recoiling into her phone despite being underground. Most importantly it left me pondering on what people’s concept of forgiveness truly is. The Cambridge Dictionary explains to forgive is to completely stop blaming, being angry, or punishing someone for something they have done. In essence this has been understood as the action of removing anger or resentment for a situation or towards someone on which you feel you have been wronged. I tussle with this concept because just like the scenario on the train, it seems as if people assume that because you have forgiven a situation relationships automatically restore to their original state before the offence.

More Than One Way To Forgive

Psych Central discusses a study published by the National Institue of Health indicating that there are 2 types of fogiveness;

Decisional Forgiveness: A conscious choice despite the destructive feelings an incident can bring. Choosing to move forward, letting go of any anger or resentment attached to that situation.

Emotional Forgiveness: Exchanging negagtive feelings for the person who has offended you with positive emotions like kindness or empathy.

Cardi B told no lies when she said “If it’s up then it’s stuck”. Meaning this problem is everlasting. No, I don’t spend my time thinking about the day the accused will get their comeuppance, and I will have this great confrontation in my favour. However, even though I no longer harbour any ill feelings, you definitely don’t get access to any of this good cheer that keeps me going daily. The idea of forgiving doesn’t always include forgetting. I believe that it is only when the person shows you they have comprehended the impact of their actions and are dedicated to making sure it will not happen again is when it should be extended to them. Although I do not believe in constantly bringing up resolved issues. The concept of completely forgetting a transgression can permit the person to repeat the offence.

Forgiveness As An Action

We are scientifically wired not to forget. Our minds are divided into 2 portions, the conscious mind which from a young age allows to flow freely giving us life experiences. And the subconscious minds function is to protect us, logging important information such as emotions, sensations, memories and beliefs. So when we are faced with circumstances where we are grieved, until it is rectified our mind and body may remain in defence mode to prevent being hurt again.

Reality is forgiveness can be different for each person it is not a one-size-fits-all intervention.  It is not the right of the person who caused the damage to tell you how to react to affliction. Sometimes it feels like the world is positively toxic,  and pressuring others to consistently choose optimistic responses in adversity can cause trauma and maladaptive coping mechanisms. They say the best apology is learned behaviour and I think that should be the focus when wanting to maintain a relationship with another, not being quickly forgiven to remove the guilt and shame of what you have done.

Image:ITV

The more I say I don’t watch Love Island, the more the show gives valuable content. After coming across clips on my TikTok FYP, I couldn’t ignore the comment section that was loaded with support for Kaz Kamwi. I have only ever watched 1 series, and it wasn’t one she was in. However, I remember the sentiments being the same as today. “I can’t wait for them to bring someone in for Kaz” or “she is more than just a great person”. It leads me to ask why as a community we try to force our way into spaces that don’t want nothing to do with us?

Being a first-generation immigrant I was trained to utilise the privilege of being British-born, and ensure that I achieve greatness. I have said before these teachings have brought me so much mental anguish. As promising as it sounds it is such an unachievable goal. Where my accent, and well-spoken vernacular prove to be a great disguise. The minute I walk into a room the approach towards being in the presence of a dark-skinned black woman quickly changes. You are either treated differently due to not looking like what was expected or as the token EDI invite they don’t know what to do with.

Year after year popular television programmes are held to the fire to provide more diversity in their selection of contestants matching the multitude of cultures living in this country. Still, the racial inequalities steeped within the bones of the UK prove their efforts to give us a seat at the table demonstrate that representation will never be enough. It upsets me so much as Kaz, an absolute stunner. Seen as beautiful amongst men and women within the black community reduced to being deemed as unattractive and unable to be catered for. I realised a while ago that whatever we do we will never be seen as desirable for the right reasons. I have countless stories of being sexually objectified by men of other races and never treated with the Queen energy I have always exuded. If I did a poll on the number of times my fellow sisters have been given references reminiscent of being “beautiful for a black girl” it would probably hit a 10 on the Richter scale. What does pretty for a black girl mean? This is a statement that doesn’t exist in our home countries even with colourism being rife. We are all allowed to have our preferences and beauty is in the eye of the beholder but that shouldn’t be based on the hue of someone’s skin.

Although this is the tale of a black woman’s plight, discrimination is intersectional. Despite the effect not being the same, it is felt by women everywhere that we are never enough. The beauty standards across the world are completely messed up. With people glorifying features that are only available after a severe gutting and plucking on a surgery table, leaving those of us who have chosen to remain in our natural state the problem. They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. But it is funny because although never truly feeling accepted. Women of other diasporas take physical attributes of black women we were ridiculed for, inserting them on or into their bodies being aesthetically desired. For example, during a conversation with a group of women who were of white descent regarding cosmetic surgery. One of the women explained “my friend got surgery in Turkey, she recently got her forehead to come out more just like that” pointing at the neatly bucked forehead sitting between my hairline and eyebrows for the last 34 years. If you are a 90’s baby with the majority of your teen years in the 2000’s. You may be triggered by being called 5 head due to the prominence of that feature. Now on a woman of a different hue this is considered to be a decorative piece of art work.

It is about time we stop trying to force our round selves into square pegs. It is apparent, regardless of all of the benefits Britain has reaped from being a diverse nation truly changing isn’t something they are capable of. This doesn’t mean that we should pack our belongings and “go back to our own countries”. But understand that certain platforms like Love Island just won’t give us the support we need. No matter how loud we shout from the rooftops the agenda is set to keep us out. This doesn’t mean all is lost, with fewer of us watching TV social media is now the preferred option allowing content posting by literally anyone in the palm of our hands.

When I think about cultures that have got it right, Bollywood gives India the depiction of excellence and class within their countries mainstream media. With their own people staring and producing in the wide range of shows that resonate with the true essence of who they are. It is time to focus on creating our own platform that promotes our glory and understands what we need. We now have many black professionals in film and production, and we are more than equipped to showcase the positive aspects of our culture that continue to be ignored. History has shown seeking the approval of others instead of honouring yourself has detrimental effects.

So go where you are celebrated, not tolerated.

What is the meaning of life?

I have found myself asking this question over the years for several reasons;

1. I am in a state of deep depression
2.  I have been faced with a problem that I don’t have a solution to
3.  My overly dramatic way of decompressing after a particularly testing week

My reflections of the last week have led me to question why I am here? Not in a way that means I am over it all, but what is the purpose of me living out this life before me. As a youngster I would like to say I had a bit of Peter Pan syndrome, wanting to be amongst the Lost Boys never growing old and being able to have fun all day every day. I think this was because I was wise enough to observe those who were coming of age before me and see the difficulties they encountered, not wanting to rush to their plight. So, I enjoyed every childhood experience until I had to succumb to the perils of adulthood.

I met my epiphany this week while sitting on the train commuting to work that I am merely surviving and not truly living. As I looked at everyone else around me I noticed I wasn’t alone. Faces planted in phones or books, headphones on blocking out grey surroundings, and just miserable glances frozen on faces. We would all have liked to be somewhere other than here.

I took a very expensive trip back home to Jamaica this year, and although it wasn’t a first I knew it was going to be a special one. I spoke certain things into this visit that I needed and it manifested in some unforeseen ways, but most importantly it has forced me to explore deeply what I want and whether what I am doing is pushing me in that direction? UK living gives a very stoic way of looking at life, team that with the narrative of descending from immigrants hyperfocusing on current demands becomes the only way to go. When I sum up a week it starts with being annoyed that the alarm has sounded, maintaining autopilot whilst transitioning to the office, joining in with dismal pleasantries with co-workers about having to be at work, watching the clock for Friday, and then either sleeping the weekend away or engaging in binge enjoyment whatever your poison may be. Basically keeping our heads above water. However, what I understand is we deserve to live whatever life we unconsciously envision when nobody is watching.

Lately, I haven’t been happy with my life, I am doing some great things, but whether I am satisfied with what I have before me the answer is no. I have found myself battling unidentified mood swings and complete boredom. Young Rea used to have such vitality for her career progression. The late finishes, and pats on the back after achieving a company outcome were enough to make her heart sing. Now these same processes leave me feeling empty, desperately searching for a dopamine hit to convince myself that what I am doing is necessary. What I now know is I no longer want to “make it through the week” or “get back on the grindstone”

Being born with the ambition of a hustler serves great purpose as even when faced with adversity, more than likely you will find a way to turn it into a success. Although, we can’t live our lives in crisis mode ready to fight at any moment not only is it hazardous to your mental health but also kills the fun-loving spirit that often doesn’t get to rear its gracious head. I am learning when our mindsets begin to change our actions need to go with it. What is the point of getting up daily making money and not being able to truly enjoy the fruits of your labour. None of us are aware of when we will take our final breath. That pension fund you have been saving for the well drawn out retirement plan may not be for you to enjoy so start reaping the benefits of your life now.

I am not trying to say quit your job and go backpacking across the Himalayan mountains with immediate effect. But the saying ” don’t put off until tomorrow what you could start today” is not only reserved for your to-do list. Pick back up that childhood hobby, take that trip, hell start that business that wakes you up in the middle of the night. Now my understanding of life is not to prioritise the humdrum tasks begrudging yourself of the things that make you feel happy and fulfilled.

As defined in the Cambridge dictionary focus is careful attention that is given to something such as a task. Or the ability to give your full attention to something.

I have never mastered true focus. The lessons I learned about womanhood were from watching my mother, a single mother, come home from work, drop her bag, and run straight into the kitchen to start dinner while quizzing me and my sister about school and outstanding homework. It taught me that being a successful woman meant negating rest and constantly having multiple coals on the fire. It is something that has never left me, so much so that I write this post en route home walking through a busy train station during rush hour. SHE. NEVER. STOPS!

These teachings followed me like holy scriptures. My ambition was always to become a high-flying career woman. Nothing could get in my way. It may be due to the numerous times I watched The Devil Wears Prada or the many years I have spent as a seasoned commuter, but my corporate strut makes traffic stop. I digress, basically I wanted to be at the top of my game so I put all my energy into my education and laid down on my back to impress managers, network and just be seen to be the hardest working individual that ever walked this earth.

Why nobody told me this plan was flawed I don’t know. It must be the spirit of the Windrush generation within me that made me believe that these efforts would be seen and rewarded accordingly but unfortunately this has not been the case. Although I consider myself successful, I now wonder if I am concentrating on the right aspects to truly feel accomplished and happy. Looking back on everything now I think I have not found peace within this factor because I have had poor focus. There are many levels to the characterisation of Rea, but one that has been present from as early as I can remember is my creative abilities. From making Barbie clothing out of old socks and busted balloons, to writing short stories in old school exercise books creativity has always come as easy to me as breathing. However, it’s been treated as a hobby, taking second place to the life my immigrant ancestors trusted would bring me freedom, leaving a gaping hole and fear of abandoning what I’ve carved out for myself.

I am a believer in having everything your heart desires, but understandably you can’t get everything all at once as achieving our wildest dreams demands a lot of time, attention and consistency which becomes more challenging when you are juggling multiple balls in the air like a circus performer. A quote that has stayed with me for the last few years uses the word focus as an acronym for “Follow One Course Until Successful” and this couldn’t be more true. We have to stay on the path trusting the process in all its triumphs and pitfalls to reach our goals. Over the years I have been met by and conjured up myself many other distractions that have diverted me from what I have always known to be a future pursuit. Self-doubt is one of focuses common enemies. I have always admired those who have had the faith to sacrifice money, careers and even relationships with those closest to them so they can reach that milestone. But I guess the feeling of surrendering your ambitions can wake you up like a thief in the night.

I think what I am trying to say is that you can execute anything when you have complete belief that it is attainable. I take that back, when you know it is going to come to pass. The Bible spoke about having faith the size of a mustard seed being able to change your story, but looking at that more closely having a mustard seed worth of doubt in your abilities can be the reason why you aren’t closing the deal. So give yourself a break and zone in on that project, idea or dream that has you feeling like there is an unfulfilled prophecy within you.

Considering everything about me, you wouldn’t describe me as quiet. It is not uncommon for me to laugh with complete passion, to talk with conviction, and to have fun outwardly. Outspoken has been my reputation since the beginning of time. I’d love to say that this would be seen as a positive attribute in a time when people’s feelings, emotions, and views are so tightly controlled. However, it is often used with vitriol instead of an admirable quality bound to set us free from our unlawfully censored lives. I am an advocate of being yourself everywhere you go, although this sentiment is often reiterated all dimensions of our being will not be accepted in every environment. This has left me questioning if that is truly what they want or if that statement comes with some fine print?

I am probably a mix of some of the most outspoken cultures known to man. Caribbean women are nothing short of confident in sharing their concepts on a situation, and the East London in me making me loud and proud is probably a conservative’s worst nightmare. One of my true moments of censorship was when I went to university, going it alone and needing to merge into a new community, I was open to new viewpoints on who I am, as well as who I should be at this point in my life. What I thought would be an experience of finding my own tribe was ladened with more reasons to doubt what I always thought was an acceptable manner of conducting myself. Being dubbed as a feminist and someone who is least likely to get married as no man would be able to accept my mouth, was the moment I really became a shrinking violet. Here I was immersed in the territory I had dreamed about and it was silencing me, I started to become more quiet looking towards the other black women for feedback on the acceptable way of to present myself which when I look back was silly because whenever something went awry or there was tough decision to be made the congregation knew exactly who to look for.

Truthfully, it’s doubtful that everything I said was needed, or even the wisest. My journey into becoming my own version of Rea has been marked by many bumps in the road, and the anxious bird living inside me often flutters by reminding me of the egotistical, tone-deaf, and sometimes disrespectful comments my lack of lived experience has caused. There is an old Jamaican proverb that says “Talk and taste your tongue” which means to think before you speak, although I felt I was doing that I would like to blame my underdeveloped frontal lobe for anything I may have said during that period.

But seriously, it seems that to function in this manufactured society we live in, some of the best parts of your personality need to remain hidden. There are so many environments that don’t get to see the full essence of who I am as they would either misunderstand or even attack it. As I have taken some more trips around the sun, I have learned that curbing my enthusiasm is a colossal waste of time. Even in circumstances where I have decided to provide space for others to share their sentiments my silence often left space for judgment so I may have well just of shared how I was feeling anyway. I don’t know how many times I have sat in a meeting room full at the seams when a question is asked and all eyes dart in my direction, or someone says “I am sure Serea has thoughts on this?”. I promise it is enough for me to go full rage heavyweight Anthony Joshua on yo ass because it is evident that if I had something to say I would share it?

I think I have said it before, but for this world to function it requires people to come from all different walks of life as well as possess various attributes as it adds colour to the dark and dismal place this world can be at times. We all need to fit in to some degree but the only resolution shouldn’t be for us to morph into a completely different person. I believe that we were all made for a purpose and when we quell that it only stops us from reaching our full potential allowing others around us to excel and feel comfortable in their skin. My advice would be to take it as a compliment, they see your shine and sometimes that can be because they are threatened or because you possess characteristics they wish they embodied. We all have a responsibility to be mindful of what we say and how it lands, but as long as it is delivered with care and not to destroy another we have done everything within our power. You have a right to share your thoughts and whether they are considered to be right or wrong isn’t necessarily your business, the only thing you need to focus on is the impact you leave behind.